Living my dream

Stop feeling guilty Mums. Just stop.

I saw this idea about 6 months ago. I immediately gravitated to it. It's the type of thing I like to think I would do as a 'good' Mum. It's fun. It's exciting. It's long term. I decided that even though my kids were already born and lived many of their childhood years, I would do this.

6 months later, I see the idea again, I haven't done it. I think how amazing it would be to do and I start thinking of all the things I can add to the emails.

Then reality sets in.

1. You saw it 6 months ago and didn't do anything, why will you now?

2. What are you going to add?

3. If you start all three now, Dan will have more in his than the other two, that's not fair.

4. What on earth would I set their email as?

5. How will I remember to do this?

6. What if I forget?

7. I'm such a bad Mum.

8. Did I really just think that? Yes, I did. Because if I was a good Mum I would have started this 6 months ago and not forgotten.

And so it goes on. The guilt we bring on ourselves. The conversation above happened in about 10 seconds in my head. And to be honest, went on a lot longer and had a lot more negativity in it, than I'm showing you.

And I realised that actually I don't have to do this to be a good Mum.

WOW! What a revelation.

Yes, it is an AMAZING idea. Yes, it would be so much fun to do. Yes, it would be so fulfilling to see my children open up all those emails from years gone by.

But hey, I'm not super woman! Andy and I were just last night discussing how crazy life is right now. What with building and living in a rental and kids growing up and work and you know, we all live it right. The 'busy' syndrome is what I call it. And it's just not ok.  

I mean where would I get just another set of '5 minutes' (it's only 5 minutes a day right?! Ha!) to do it?

And then the 'positive' side of my brain kicked in.

"T, you know you're a good Mum right? You know you've already done this, just in a different way... right? "

"What do you mean?"

"Well, all those scrapbooks you've created. All those albums filled with pictures of your kids, pictures of their artwork, stories of their lives. That's the same thing".

"Oh, yeah! Right! But what if I hadn't done that? Why does doing this, making email addresses for my kids or scrapbooking make me a good Mum?"

"It doesn't."

"Huh?"

"Being a good Mum is about loving your kids. About being there for them. About helping them learn and grow. Teaching them right from wrong. Saying no. Saying yes. Being a good Mum is about jumping off flippin ridiculously high diving boards because you want to be part of their day. Part of their memories. Being a good Mum is just being you."

THAT conversation was a lot longer in time. There were a lot more gaps as my brain caught up with what it was saying to itself (yeah ok, I admit it, I talk to myself. A lot!). It was a harder conversation to have with myself.

Why is it so much easier to be negative to ourselves than positive? WHY?

And so I realised. I need to stop feeling guilty. I need to stop right now. And quite frankly so do you (yes, whoever you are reading this. You!).

We are doing the very best job we can do for ourselves and our kids. Right now. We are. And if we're not, then that's ok. We can take a deep breath. Ask ourselves. What can I do today? And tell ourselves that NO we don't have to feel guilty about the other days. The days that you literally fell asleep on the couch because you were so tired, or forgot to do something. Because those things and those days, although they feel like they happen all the time. Don't really. They are the few and far betweens. The love. The reliability of you being there for your kids every day. THAT is what the good bits are. That is what counts. And WE are doing it.

So. Stop. Put that guilty hat back in the cupboard and enjoy today for what it is. Cause this is our only today. This is our life. And just a heads up..... it's not a dress rehearsal. THIS IS IT.

Have a great day my friends. You are amazing! Tell yourself. Ok. Right now, out loud. "I am amazing"......and stop that guilt trip.

Later. 

 

Surviving the last few days of the school holidays.

Ok, so that sounds a bit over dramatic, but at times like this it can be! Grin.

I love my kids. Anyone reading my blog for a while now, will know that without fail.

However, I also like my own time. I'm can be quite selfish like that. And what I mean, is that unadulterated time where you get to choose what you want to do when you want to without having to think of anyone else. And I guess during term time, I get to do that. So by the end of the holidays, let's be honest, not only are the kids turning feral, we all are.

But for the next few days it's still school holidays. And if your kids are anything like mine, then they're getting ready to go back to school. They are bickering. They are bored. They are wanting to spend money. And they are generally ready for some structure.

So what I've found over the last few days is that they need a bit of structure in their play. They need a bit of adventure in their play. And, they need to be able to work it all out for themselves.

Here's an example.....

We went for an amazing walk in the bush. It was incredibly steep and by the time we finished we'd walked UP the equivalent of 38 flights of steps. HOWEVER, the kids loved it. They knew there was a beach somewhere down there at the bottom that we would all go for a swim at. They knew we had that as our goal. Also that we would have lunch down there. Another big goal! But I'll get to that in a minute. This was an adventure. Something we hadn't done before (or in a very long time). It was new to them. A little bit challenging. But also for me, it meant I got to exercise PLUS it was free!

Lunch. I got all the lunch items out. And all I heard were moans and groans. But as I left them to choose their lunch the moans stopped and they were happy. I need to learn they are growing up and can make a lot of decisions for themselves now. That the little bit of extra responsibility helps them and me.

So here's a couple of tips to help you in these last couple of days before school starts back:

1. Do something adventurous.

2. Give them some responsibility

3. Encourage them to come up with 'free' ideas that you can do together.

4. Be creative at home (my boys have spent the last two days making bows and arrows. It has kept them totally happy and entertained).

5. They've probably been spending a lot of time outside in this amazing weather we've been having (it's summer here), so it's ok, to let them have some down time. In fact I recommend it. Go to the library, get some books. Encourage them to read. Hire a movie, take a couple of hours out of the middle of the day when it's hottest and relax in front of the telly (not all day, but a couple of hours won't hurt!).

6. Get them to help you get them ready for school. Do you have all the stationary you need? Uniform? Shoes? Lunchbox? Drink bottle? Bag? Get them to make a list (with your help if needed) and then get them to work out what they still need. Then go out together and get those things so they feel totally prepared and ready.

7. Along the same lines, get them to do some baking that can be put into the freezer for their lunches. Ok, so they might not have done much before, but they will LOVE that they can tell their friends that made 'this' or 'that'. Plus it will keep them occupied for a good hour or so. PLUS, you get to teach them about cleaning up after (especially if they're anything like my bakers!). PLUS it's a cheap way of keeping them entertained.

8. Get them to google 'free things in ......' (your town), then get them to make a list of any that they might like to try. Go along. Check it out. Here in Auckland there are plenty of pools for the kids to swim in that are free. A great one is in Birkenhead, it's even outside. Or somewhere like the Art Gallery which had an amazing programme on this school holidays.

9. And/or to all the above. Just relax. Pull out the hose and get wet in your backyard. Go for a walk in your neighbourhood. Make daisy chains (yes, even if they are older, it's a great time to just sit and chat!). After all the fun over the school holidays, they might just be a little bit tired and need 'downtime' before they go back to school. Time to rest their minds. And in this 'go go go' world nowadays,  it's sooooooo ok to do that!

Have a fun last few days.

T

Disclaimer: I in no way claim to be a parenting expert. I get it wrong all the time. These are just a few little things I've found that have saved my sanity on occasion.

 

 

Another lesson I've (re)learnt from my children

Because I travel quite a bit for my 'work' (well, who can call it work when you love it so much?) my children are used to me being away. A day here and there isn't too bad for them. And to be fair, they've grown up with Andy traveling for much longer times. 

But this year, I've done two big trips of two weeks away from them. One in August and the one just recently. 

August was ok. They knew what was going on,  they accepted it. But this last trip. Not so much. We really missed each other. 

And when I got home I paid for it.

In this instance, I call it the cummulative affect. It wasn't just the 2.5 weeks I'd been gone this time, but also the trip in August. It added up. 

The last few days things have gotten back to normal, and that's because my 2.5 weeks is up. 

And this is where I relearnt how much a Mum means to her children. The time length this time was so much more than normal, that it really showed up what happens each time I travel..... let me explain....

Previously I'd noticed it with Andy, but not with me. And this time, I realised what happens. It's like they put you in punishment subconciously. 

I don't even think they know they are doing it. But they are. And in our family it works especially for the littlier children. The smaller they are, the more apparent this will be.

They play up, they refuse to hug you, they talk back, they do anything they can to get your attention (and that's not always good) in effect, they call the shots to show you they are there. It's their way to 'punish' you for being away so long. 

And the funny thing is it lasts about the same amount of time you've 'abandoned' them. I don't know how they work that out, it must be some sort of internal clock???? But it is almost always to the day for how long you were gone.

This week, I have been home 2.5 weeks, and this week Dan started being the 'normal' Dan I know, not the 'monster' he'd become for the last 2.5 weeks. I arrived home and thought an alien had taken over his body. But now I remember, I realise that actually he missed me. Really missed me. In his own little way he was telling me that he didn't like being left for so long.

Amazing isn't it?

And so once again on this amazing journey of motherhood, I learn something new, relearn something old and tweak the way I think/act to help my children, my family grow into the little citizins/group of people I hope they/we will one day/continue to grow into.

 

Dealing with lifes challenges

A little while ago, I alluded to the fact that one of our kids is going through some health issues. They aren't life threatening, but have awakened us to the idea that what we thought was 'weird' is in fact a real issue to be treated with care and thought.

We are still undergoing testing and assessment to work out exactly what it is, and thus how we will treat things, so for now I'm not going to give it a 'label'.

But I just wanted to talk about how things like this affect you.

How for years I've thought something wasn't quite right, but could never put my finger on what, and it was never 'bad enough' to do anything about.

And that over Xmas, the final straw in this camels back broke when no matter what techniques I tried as a parent, nothing worked and I really seriously thought I was going insane.

To have someone turn around and say to me that no I wasn't imagining it was such a life saver. Literally. I felt like suddenly I had a life raft to cling to in the stormy ocean that was my life. To realise that the mother instincts were once again right was amazing. To confirm that I know my child better than anyone else, reassuring.

But in saying how it was a life saver, doesn't change the day to day reality of how to live with this, what it means for us as parents and for his siblings. How do we treat them all the same, but with allowances? Is this how it works? And why am I after two weeks still so shell shocked and in turmoil.

In telling a few friends, we've had some interesting reactions. The typical "oh it's just boys" or "what tests have you had done" haven't been helpful. And the ones where you tell them and they don't even reply were probably the worst. But the question "What do you think? Do you feel this is right?" was the most helpful, supportive one I've had. Because yes, this 'diagnosis' feels right (no matter how much we don't want it to be). And really at the end of the day, whether it turns out this is a 'real' condition or something in that direction, it's something we are having to live with and deal with every single day and it's an acknowledgement that this is hard. That we're not bad parents.

Because this morning as I sit here typing, my stomach is a rolling ball of worms. Wriggling and jiggling so that I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I can't begin to tell you how this morning was in my house. It breaks my heart.

But the hugs once everything calmed down. They were healing. Huge hugs of comfort that we all needed. And the forgiveness that came with them also much needed. 

You see I put my all on the line for my children (as most parents do). So when they are unsettled, unhappy & in crisis, I am too. (And if fact often worse as I put my own spin on things and yes, I'm trying really hard not to do this!!!).

And I'm left sitting here with a million and one things to do, not wanting to do one of them. Wondering if a day in bed wouldn't be easier? (of course it would!), but what would that achieve? And hey, I may be many things, but I'm not a quitter!

And so I carry on. I continue to eat the chocolate easter egg Andy gave me (No Trina that won't help either!). I have a shower and get dressed. I tidy the house. I put the washing on and hang it out. I go to the gym. I do those million things with a smile on my face because that's what I know to do.

**Edited to add an 'author note'. I try to keep my blog uplifting and happy. I don't always share the 'crap' that I go through because often it's over and done with and I've forgotten it long before my words on a screen are. But, I also like to keep my blog real. And this is my life. And it is real. I'm not looking for you to feel sorry for me, but perhaps to understand why I might be a little aloof or distant or any other number of things that happen when alot is on a persons mind. Thanks for your support and friendship.**


Peace amongst the madness

I am so incredibly proud of Sarah

Last night Sarah went out to dinner with her netball team. It was the end of year celebration and all the girls were sooooo looking forward to it.

They all got dressed up and met had a lovely dinner and were given certificates and goody bags from the coach and manager.

It was an incredibly thoughtful thing for their coach and manager to do and I'm very grateful they were part of the team this year.

Sarah took along a cupcake with a fondant animal on top for her coach and manager. I was proud of that!

But then I got a text from a Mum. And I was blown away by what it said and by Sarah's courage shown in the text.

You see there is a girl at her school who has caused a lot of trouble within the girls at school for years (yes, not just this year, but year after year!). As usual with these situations, this girl chooses who is and isn't popular. Who can and can't play. Who is going to be her friend and who isn't etc etc. It has been an incredibly hard time for Sarah (and all the girls involved) and I've been incredibly proud of Sarah and how she deals with it each time something new happens. She is a strong girl and 'most' of the time stands up for herself and her friends. I love her for that! We often have talks about how to handle things and she has learnt a lot and I believe is a great friend.

Well last night she spoke to one of the parents of one of the girls close to the (for want of a better word) 'mean' girl and told her what was going on and how it was hurting the girls in the class.

My Sarah. Did that. Off her own bat. I was astounded that she had done this. That she would be so brave. And thankful to the Mum for being so open about it. I wonder if because it came from a child, not another Mum that it was easier to hear??? I don't know!

The text I got to tell me about this was lovely, explaining what Sarah had done and that she had no idea this was going on and she would talk to both girls involved.

What more can you ask?

But again, I come back to what Sarah did. I am soooo proud of her that she was able to talk to someone like this to try and right a wrong.

My girl constantly astonishes and amazes me and I really shouldn't feel surprised. She is a wonderful child. Kind and considerate. Careful with her words and clever too. She has a funny sense of humour, like me. It surprises you when she uses it. She looks out for people, her brothers, cousins or friends. And she isn't afraid of trying new things or standing up for what is right.

Now I just need to focus on what and how she can react in case she doesn't get such a great response from someone. Wish me luck.

T

 

 

 

Dancing in the rain

Two nights ago, just as the kids were getting ready for their showers, it started to pour with rain. It absolutely bucketed down!

And it was just as I realised the chooks were still out.

I so didn't want to go in the rain, so I asked the boys, how about some nudy rudy time running in the rain and putting the chooks away?

Yes! Yay! Whoohooo were heard all the way down the garden as my two boys delighted in the pouring rain.

I watched them after they finished putting the chickens away dancing on the trampoline. Bouncing high and just enjoying the moment. It was really beautiful.

Yesterday I was chatting to my lovely neighbour and she commented on how wonderful it was to see the boys running around in the nude in the rain. How it was one of those precious moments of childhood that are lost as you grow up. That a lot of Mum's wouldn't have let their children do that.

It was such a lovely comment to receive.

I didn't think to take photos. It was too overcast, dark and grey. But my boys sure are a wonderful treat!

And whether it's rain from the sky or water in a water park. Water features alot in their 'fun' things to do.....