The older I get the more I realise that guilt seems to be an inbuilt, innate part of being a woman. It doesn't matter what you do, there is usually something to feel bad about. If you work and have children, you feel guilty for working. If you don't work, you feel guilty for not contributing. etc etc
On mothers day after a day of being spoilt and treated like a princess I still felt sad, I was assuaged with guilt. Why did I feel so sad when my family had treated me so well? When they had made an effort to make my day special because they wanted to show me how special I am to them.
What was with the sadness? And why was I feeling guilty for feeling sad?
And as usual with my brain, it goes on overdrive (even when I'm sitting watching tv you can guarantee it's thinking about something else) and I realised that Mothers day was a pretty powerful day for me, but not for the reason you're thinking.
You see, and this is where it gets hard. I don't have a relationship with my Mum. To say it is a 'bad' relationship would be an understatement.
And there are many wrongs on both sides of this relationship. I could go on about the different factors that have put me in the space I'm now in, as I'm sure she could too. But that doesn't make it right, or better.
And what it boils down to is that I don't feel like I have a Mum.
And yet I have friends who would desperately love to have a Mum because theirs is literally no longer here.
And I try and make that right in my head by saying, would they really want a bad/nothing relationship or one that was wonderful if short? But neither is right and it still makes me feel sad and guilty.
Guilt for not making the most of something that others would love to have.
And then there is the fact that I didn't contact my Mum on mothers day. Deliberately. Because contact hurts more than non contact.
But then the guilt comes and the inner dialogue...... Trina you should be the bigger person...... But every time I am I get hurt.......... But you should just suck it up.......... Why? ........
Guilt for not making contact with my mother on mothers day.
And so while working in an industry where Mothers Day is a big day of the year with lots of preparation and celebration, I sit on the side lines wishing I could feel the same as so many other women. Wishing I had a different relationship with my Mum and knowing it can never happen.
And that's part of another guilt. Seeing the relationships that so many of my friends have with their mothers and being jealous of that. Wishing for something that can't happen. Wishing....
Guilt for feeling jealous.
Wishing I could be as excited as others about a day that should be a celebration instead of a day filled with guilt and sadness for something that isn't.
And sitting here feeling guilty for even thinking these things, let alone saying them 'out loud' I wonder if I will press 'publish' on this post? I guess only time will tell.
PS: If you are reading this it means I did press publish and the reason I did was to share my thoughts with others who may be in the same boat.
I'm sure there must be other people out there who don't have the perfect relationship with their mother?!
Yet, the world says we should, that we should have a perfect mother/daughter relationship. So Those of us who don't have that perfect relationship and feel bad/guilty for not having that. There's yet another guilt.
So, if you're reading this, I must've decided that sharing was more important than being 'normal' in respect to what the world thinks we should all feel towards our mothers.
My hugs go to those who can't celebrate mothers day, for any reason.
PPS: I don't feel guilty today. I am totally ok and happy. But it was a process I had to work through to get through mothers day.