A little while ago, I alluded to the fact that one of our kids is going through some health issues. They aren't life threatening, but have awakened us to the idea that what we thought was 'weird' is in fact a real issue to be treated with care and thought.
We are still undergoing testing and assessment to work out exactly what it is, and thus how we will treat things, so for now I'm not going to give it a 'label'.
But I just wanted to talk about how things like this affect you.
How for years I've thought something wasn't quite right, but could never put my finger on what, and it was never 'bad enough' to do anything about.
And that over Xmas, the final straw in this camels back broke when no matter what techniques I tried as a parent, nothing worked and I really seriously thought I was going insane.
To have someone turn around and say to me that no I wasn't imagining it was such a life saver. Literally. I felt like suddenly I had a life raft to cling to in the stormy ocean that was my life. To realise that the mother instincts were once again right was amazing. To confirm that I know my child better than anyone else, reassuring.
But in saying how it was a life saver, doesn't change the day to day reality of how to live with this, what it means for us as parents and for his siblings. How do we treat them all the same, but with allowances? Is this how it works? And why am I after two weeks still so shell shocked and in turmoil.
In telling a few friends, we've had some interesting reactions. The typical "oh it's just boys" or "what tests have you had done" haven't been helpful. And the ones where you tell them and they don't even reply were probably the worst. But the question "What do you think? Do you feel this is right?" was the most helpful, supportive one I've had. Because yes, this 'diagnosis' feels right (no matter how much we don't want it to be). And really at the end of the day, whether it turns out this is a 'real' condition or something in that direction, it's something we are having to live with and deal with every single day and it's an acknowledgement that this is hard. That we're not bad parents.
Because this morning as I sit here typing, my stomach is a rolling ball of worms. Wriggling and jiggling so that I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I can't begin to tell you how this morning was in my house. It breaks my heart.
But the hugs once everything calmed down. They were healing. Huge hugs of comfort that we all needed. And the forgiveness that came with them also much needed.
You see I put my all on the line for my children (as most parents do). So when they are unsettled, unhappy & in crisis, I am too. (And if fact often worse as I put my own spin on things and yes, I'm trying really hard not to do this!!!).
And I'm left sitting here with a million and one things to do, not wanting to do one of them. Wondering if a day in bed wouldn't be easier? (of course it would!), but what would that achieve? And hey, I may be many things, but I'm not a quitter!
And so I carry on. I continue to eat the chocolate easter egg Andy gave me (No Trina that won't help either!). I have a shower and get dressed. I tidy the house. I put the washing on and hang it out. I go to the gym. I do those million things with a smile on my face because that's what I know to do.
**Edited to add an 'author note'. I try to keep my blog uplifting and happy. I don't always share the 'crap' that I go through because often it's over and done with and I've forgotten it long before my words on a screen are. But, I also like to keep my blog real. And this is my life. And it is real. I'm not looking for you to feel sorry for me, but perhaps to understand why I might be a little aloof or distant or any other number of things that happen when alot is on a persons mind. Thanks for your support and friendship.**
Peace amongst the madness